How Not to Convert to the Polyphasic Sleep Schedule – Day 25

Part one.

No matter the state of knowledge and awareness of the universe, or lack thereof, there is always something that each one of us knows which could be imparted for the benefit of others

I haven’t yet made it on the Uberman polyphasic sleep schedule so I can’t tell you how to do it. But I can tell you how not to do it. Oh yes, I know how to (not) do that

HOW NOT TO DO UBERMAN

The first thing you should do to utterly fail at Uberman is to make sure you are hopelessly addicted to coffee before you start. That way, as you try to wean yourself off the coffee, you’ll get headaches and a dull sleepy feeling pretty much permanently evern before you start. You should be in the middle of withdrawal symptoms the day you start Uberman.

The next thing is to ensure failure is to make sure you have a job as a “professional” driver on night shift, so as to make the ensuing days of sleep deprivation unbearable and at times a little dangerous. Or get some other job that entails lots of repitition, flashing lights, stupid people, and poisonous, mind dulling fumes. It also helps to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder, a bit of a job snob, so not only will you be struggling with the transition, you’ll hate yourself as well. Its absolutely essential that your shift times vary up to two hours either way so your sleep schedule is ruined from day one.

The next thing to ensure failure is to do it in the middle of winter so the nights are cold and the mornings even colder. Make sure you live in an old crapy house that would make an hippy green with envy and that is hard, if not impossible, to heat with the small crapy electric bar heaters that you own. Also, live miles and miles away from any all-night gyms or coffee shops. Make yourself a huge “HOLLY SHIT KEEP BUSY LIST” to keep yourself occupied during the wee hours. Fill the list with things that require you to sit still for long hours at your computer or desk. Then fill it with things to do in your workshop, only to realize, too late, that the slightest noise will wake up your neighbour. Out of sheer necessity, when you are forced to do something, anything in your workshop to stay awake, you can then live in constant fear waiting for your neighbour to come charging through your door with a wood splitter.

The next thing to do is to start on a whim without properly thinking it through. Just start and work it out as you go along. Go for about three days on the schedule, getting no more than 3 hours of sleep per day. But don’t have regular nap times. Change them around to suit your work schedule. This above all things is an excellent strategy for failure.

By about day four you should be ready to kill yourself. This would be a good time to start oversleeping. If, by some freak of strong will and excellent character, you are still persisting with the program, oversleeping will null any adjustment your body is making and prolong the agony of sleep deprivation. Oversleep every second day for maximum torture and elongation of the adjustment period.

To be continured….